Notes on (creatively) dating yourself

AKA permission to do the things that spark joy, curiosity, wonder

My date cancelled on me this weekend. Except, this wasn’t a swipe right, no show situation. I’m far too married for that. Instead, this was a creative date - an art workshop I’d booked a place on, after first navigating the usual “Is this for me or will everyone else be actual artists?”, voice of self doubt that shows up whenever I contemplate trying new things.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

After Sunday’s event had to be cancelled (for entirely understandable, human reasons), I find myself once more in need of a date. Something shiny in my calendar, alongside some of the less exciting everyday work / life / parenting tasks. A little gem glimmering with possibility, between tax returns and trips to the dentist.

Here are the current contenders…

1. A visit to the interactive balloon exhibition featured in Emily in Paris, but this time think more Christina in Madrid

2. A poetry and pop culture masterclass

3. Introduction to flying trapeze - because it’s never too late to join the circus, or at the very least give it a go

Truth be told, I’m tempted to book them all. So far I’ve bought a ticket for one. I’ll let you guess which.

In a recent The Spark Crew creative session, we unleashed our wild imaginations (a term my daughter’s teacher used and I’m planning on pinching from here on out), to envision a fantasy creative date. Each of us travelled in different directions, from writing poetry in a cabin in the depths of Scotland to people watching at a Parisian cafe. We embellished our visions, adding sensory depth via sounds, smells and some suitably fabulous outfits. Then we reined things in a little, drawing on these ideas to plan a real life creative date that we could take ourselves on that month. And on the budget we actually have available.

I’ve been (creatively) dating myself for a few months now. It started with a writer’s workshop in Edinburgh and has been escalating ever since. I find it helpful to book these dates in advance, as I’m then held accountable to the experience, whatever my inbox has to say to the contrary. Also, planning the next date and anticipating it with excitement adds to the adventure. Another note learned the hard way, trying to fit in a “quick” bit of admin beforehand is not a good idea. Switching from frustrated as all hell due to being kept on hold on the phone for hours, to creative mode isn’t easy.

After living a life more locked down in recent years, at first it felt a little indulgent to take a whole day off, away from my family, in pursuit of pleasure, knowledge or creative inspiration. And now… now it feels essential. Life giving. Zest sparking. Not only does it fill my cup, my cup runs over.

Photo by Jr Korpa on Unsplash

I shouldn’t be surprised by this. As I enter the final phase of a Masters in Positive Psychology, I am literally researching the links between creativity and wellbeing. These two move together in a myriad of wonderful ways.

Research shows that when we experience positive emotions - such as those fleeting feelings of awe, gratitude, serenity - we become more expansive about the things we might do next.

One of my favourite theories (because it helps me give myself full permission to do the things that spark joy, curiosity, wonder etc.) comes from the work of Dr Barbara Frederickson, whose research posits the way in which positive emotions ignite upward spirals.

“These are the moments that will light the path towards flourishing mental health”

Dr Barbara Fredrickson

Frederickson recommends creating a “personal positive portfolio”. Unique to each individual, this could be a collection of poetry, photos, quotes, ephemera - anything that reminds us of a positive emotion, or several, that we would like to focus on. This can then be drawn upon when we feel low. And as for the negative emotions - we don’t have to worry about chasing those. Such is life that they will find us anyway.

When planning your creative date, you could also consider choosing activities in which you may experience flow. Research highlights flow - that sweet spot when doing something challenging but crucially not too far beyond our current skill level - as fundamental for our creativity and wellbeing.

Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi discovered that people were at their most creative, productive and happy when they are in a state of flow. Interestingly, research has shown that most people only spend around 5% of their work life in flow. So that’s yet another reason for sacking your emails and heading out on a creative date.

Photo by Quinton Coetzee on Unsplash

When we’re in flow, time takes on a new form. And joy of joys, our inner critic gets silenced. This allows for divergent thinking and new ideas to emerge. It is often at these times, when we intuitively make decisions in the moment, that we take huge leaps forward. Think of snowboarders pulling off a new trick, or the writer overcoming that plotting block in scene four.

Flow - plus practise, it’s not a magic pill although it can feel a bit like one - explains why I was (finally!) able to get the hang of rollerskating backwards the other week, after setting myself the challenge of doing nothing but this for an hour. It felt more like ten minutes and the progression in that time was incredible.

If a day off and out doesn’t feel like an option at the moment, then you can start smaller. From browsing a secondhand bookshop to popping out for a photography walk, Anna Dunleavy shared some great ideas for getting going with solo dates this week. And if you’re free at 10am tomorrow morning (Wednesday, February 22nd), we can help you get started - Anna is running a Vision Board Workshop in The Spark Crew. You can sign up here if you’d like to come along.

Ring-fencing these creative dates in your diary is one of the greatest, most rebellious acts of self care. It’s saying screw you to capitalism and endless productivity chatter for one whole day. And then doing it again. And again.

When I look both forwards and back on these special days, I see that these are the days that keep my creative fires burning. Not only do they spark joy and connection, they allow me to follow my curiosity, and just see where it takes me. These are days of being present and open to possibility. Of saying, for this one day, everything else can wait.